Jokes to lighten up your workweek—Proverbs 17:22…Laughter is good medicine:

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. May he Resturant In Peace.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.

My mom said that if I don’t get off my computer and do my homework she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Did you know there were cars in bible times?  Acts 2:1 says they were all in one Accord.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought “Dogs are easily amused”, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance. 

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He said, “I’m not happy.” I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

I was on a flight the other day when the stewardess came up to me and said, “Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?” I said, “What are the options?” She said, “Yes and No.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

When I told my friends that I was going to be a comedian, they just laughed – Carrot Top

If it’s true that we’re here to help other people, then what are the other people here for?

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?

How come when asked what things they’d bring to a desert island, no one ever says a boat?

The sermon this morning, “Jesus walks on water”. The sermon tonight, “Searching for Jesus”

When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick – George Burns

I’m so old that when I order a 3 minute egg, they make me pay up front – Henny Youngman

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon, then it’s time for my nap – Bob Hope

I was able to find my original birth certificate, but it took 3 guys to help me get it. Stone tablets are heavy – Bob Hope

A fellow walks into a bank and says “Give me all your money”. The manager says, “Take the books too, I’m $10,000 short” – Henny Youngman

I don’t get respect from anyone. My twin brother forgot my birthday – Rodney Dangerfield

I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I realized, well, look what’s telling me that – Emo Philips

When I was a kid we always played cowboys and Indians, and I was always an Indian. I had my own casino – Brian Kiley

It costs a lot of money to date. I took a girl out to dinner the other night. I said, “What’ll you have”? She said, “I guess I’ll have steak and lobster.” I said, “Guess again.” – Skip Stephenson

I said, “Doctor, every morning I when wake up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me”? He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

I go to the refrigerator so many times at night, my neighbors think we have a strobe light in the kitchen – Max Alexander

My doctor says I must give up those little intimate dinners for two, unless I take someone with me – Henny Youngman

I get no respect. For Easter, my parents gave me chocolate bunnies made of Ex-Lax – Rodney Dangerfield

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor-eater – Rodney Dangerfield

Vacuuming sucks – Jason Love

I invented the cordless extension cord – Steven Wright

I called my lawyer and asked, “Can I ask you two questions?” My lawyer says, “What’s the 2nd question?” – Henny Youngman

I don’t get no respect. My mother had morning sickness after I was born – Rodney Dangerfield

My mom was a little weird. When I was little, Mom would make chocolate frosting, and she’d let me lick the beaters. Then she’d turn them off. – Marty Cohen

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize – Steven Wright

Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, “Isn’t it dark down here?” She replies, “I don’t know. I can’t see.”

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters… But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk”.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.

Some people think it’s romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I’m more worried about why they’re bringing a knife on their date.

I love being married.  I was single for a long time and I just got so tired of finishing my own sentences.—-Brian Kiley

My love life is like a fairy tale….Grimm.—-Wendy Liebman

I went on a diet.  Had to go on two diets at the same time because one diet wasn’t giving me enough food.—-Barry Marder

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.  Then I realized that the Lord, in His wisdom, didn’t work that way.  So I stole one and asked him to forgive me.—-Emo Philips

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair.  Now they won’t let me plug it in—-Henny Youngman

Ellen DeGeneres has a new show on CBS.  it’s called “Not everyone loves Raymond”—-Dave Letterman

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a minute—-Steven Wright

 Encyclopedia is a Latin term.  It means to paraphrase a term paper—-Greg Ray

 I’m the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up—-Shang Forbes

 My license plate says PMS….nobody cuts me off—-Wendy Liebman

 The trouble with the rat race is even if you win, you’re still a rat—-Lily Tomlin

 Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs—-Lily Tomlin

 You know what I hate?  Indian givers….no, I take that back—-Emo Philips

I owe the government $3,400 in taxes.  So I sent them 2 hammers and a toilet seat—-Michael McShane

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography—Steven Wright

I was arrested for selling illegal sized paper—-Steven Wright

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes—-Steven Wright

What’s another word for Thesaurus?—-Steven Wright

I tried to make money as a kid.  I had a lemonade stand for about 6 weeks.  I made no money.  I had to burn it down and collect the insurance—-Brian Kiley

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time—-Steven Wright

I used to play Cowboys & Indians.  I was always one of the Indians.  I had my own casino—-Brian Kiley

We’re a trillion dollars in debt.  Who do we owe this money to?  Someone named Vinnie?—-Robin Williams

David Hasselhoff released a new album last week.  It’s called, “And you thought my acting sucked”—-Dennis Miller

 I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places.  He told me to stop going to those 2 places—-Henny Youngman

 I was walking down the street wearing glasses when my prescription ran out—-Steven Wright

 At my age, sex is sensational.  Especially the one in the winter—-Milton Berle

 ‘Buffet’ is a French term.  it means get up and get it yourself—-Greg Ray

USA Today has come out with a new survey.  Apparently, 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population—-Dave Letterman

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes, “No hablo ingles”—-Ronnie Shakes

I went to court for a parking ticket.  I pleaded insanity—-Steven Wright

We had a guy in here last night who thought loading a dishwasher meant getting your wife drunk—-Jeff Foxworthy

Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake that, you’re in—-Richard jeni

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass—-Martin Mull

I was sleeping the other night—-alone, thanks to the exterminator—-Emo Philips

I tell you I don’t get no respect.  Why, the surgeon general, he offered me a cigarette—-Rodney Dangerfield

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord.  I kept almost dying—-Steven Wright

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark—-Dick Gregory

The inventor of Crest passed away.  4 out of 5 dentists went to his funeral—-Jay Leno

When we first met, my wife didn’t like me much at all.  Fortunately, she wanted to stay in this country—-Brian Kiley

My wife wants olympic sex….once every 4 years—-Rodney Dangerfield

I have an existential map.  It has “You are here” written all over it—-Steven Wright 

I was raised by my Mom.  My Dad died when I was 8 years old….at least that’s what he told us in the letter.—-Drew Carey

I have a microwave fireplace in my house.  The other night I laid down front of the fire for the evening in just 2 minutes.—-Steven Wright

I bought one of those tapes that teaches you Spanish in your sleep.  During the night, the tape skipped.  Now I can only stutter in Spanish.—-Steven Wright

I think its wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.—-Steven Wright

Gas is going to $3/gallon.  I never thought I’d be paying more for my gas than for my wine.—-Dave Letterman

I was so ugly as a kid….I once stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.—-Rodney Dangerfield

How come its a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in?….Somebody’s making a penny.—-Steven Wright

I’m on decaf now.  What I miss most is the road rage.—-Dave Letterman

I went to bed with a model.  Not bragging about it or anything….it took me all night to glue it together.—-Buzz Nutley

Last month, my aunt passed away.  She was cremated.  We think that’s what did it.—-Jonathon Katz

I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only 10 minutes.—-Steven Wright

Our bombs are smarter than our average high school student.  At least they can find Afghanistan.—-A.Whitney Brown

Dodonpa, the world’s fastest roller coaster, is set to open later this month in Japan.  Unfortunately, only 8 people in Japan are tall enough to ride it.—-Jimmy Fallon

I don’t get no respect.  The time I got hurt, on the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.—-Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a little kid, we had a sandbox.  It was a quicksand box.  I was an only child….eventually.—-Steven Wright

When I was a kid I asked my Dad if I could go ice-skating.  he told to wait til it gets warmer.—-Rodney Dangerfield

I was ejected from a skating rink today.  Evidently, they don’t allow ice fishing.—-Kevin Nealon

If you see a shark, you don’t have to swim faster than the shark….you only have to swim faster than the person you’re with.—-Kevin Nealon

Why is abbreviated such a long word?—-Michael Davis

Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”?  Do some people cook the stuff?—-George Carlin

In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun.  That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.—-Rita Rudner

If light travels so fast, how come it takes 6 days to get my electricity turned back on?—-Buzz Nutley

Why is it called tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?—-George Carlin

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking but then I thought, “What good would it do?”—-Ronnie Shakes

I was in Sears the other day.  They had a white sale….so I bought a Caucasian family—-Arsenio Hall

The man who developed the SAT tests has died, when his car going 10mph ran into a train going 60mph.—-Craig Kilborn

Senor Wences died at the age of 103.  The cause of death….he was 103!—-Jon Stewart

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.—-Steven Wright

Here’s something to think about….how come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery?”—-Jay Leno

I called the Psychic Friends Hotline.  We spoke for 6 hours and she didn’t realize that I wasn’t going to pay my bill.—-Michael Aronin

I was supposed to get married last year but it didn’t work out because I didn’t have a girlfriend.  its dogma like that that drives people from the church.—-Marc Moran

The price of Prozac went up 50% last year.  When they asked Prozac users how they felt about this, they said, “Whatever.”—-Conan O’Brien

If the cops arrest a mime, do they inform him of his right to remain silent?—-Jay Leno

The Rolling Stones announced their new tour.  Fans will be able to recognize their tour bus as the one doing forty in the fast lane with its blinker on.—-Kevin Nealon

Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died at the age of 83.  Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace until some nosy anthropologist digs her up.—-Norm MacDonald

Joined a health club last year, spent $400.  Haven’t lost a pound.  Apparently, you have to show up.—-Rich Ceisler

The state of Michigan has just passed a new law allowing the blind to hunt deer.  The biggest supporters of this new law?  The deer!—-Norm MacDonald

I didn’t invent the hypothetical situation, but let’s just suppose for a second that I did.—-Auggie Cook

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.—-Steven Wright

I’m cheap.  That’s why I have a friend with multiple personalities.  When I have a party I only have to make food for one other person.—-Daryl Hogue

Some people think my friend George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears.  I think George is weird because he has false teeth with braces on them.—-Steven Wright

Sexual harassment at work, is it a problem for the self-employed?—-Victoria Wood

When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple….or a moderately well-managed Presbyterian Youth Center.—-Emo Philips

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.—-Jay Leno

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you that look that says, “My God, you’re right.  I never would have thought of that.”—-Dave Barry

Fear is being stuck in traffic and you’ve just had 2 cups of coffee and a bran muffin.—-John Mendoza

The Sopranos is coming out with their own brand of Italian food.  In a related story, Chef Boyardee was found shot to death in a pool of blood.—-Craig Kilborn

You are what you eat, which makes me cheap, quick and easy.—-Dave Thomas

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet.  So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”—-Steven Wright

When I went to college, my parents threw a going-away party for me, according to the letter.—-Emo Philips

I went to dinner with a Marine.  He looked across the table and said, “I could kill you in seven seconds.”  I go, “I’ll just have the toast then.”—-Margaret Smith

I’m on a Valium diet.  I take 3 for breakfast and the rest of the day, the food keeps falling out of my mouth.—-Max Alexander

I had a hard time at the bank today.  I tried to take out a loan and they pulled a real attitude with me.  Apparently, they won’t accept the voices in my head as references.—-Steve Altman

Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.  She must be found and stopped.—-Sam Levenson

These big birthday parties my friends make for their kids:  One of my friends had a surprise party for her child.  He was one year old.  We all snuck in around the crib and yelled, “Surprise!”      He’s in therapy now.—-Rita Rudner

When I was a kid I got no respect.  I told my mother, “I’m gonna run away from home.”  She said, “On your mark….”—-Rodney Dangerfield

What I don’t like about the office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.—-Phyllis Diller

My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.”  I said, “Just wait.”—Judy Tenuta

Thou shalt not kill…thou shalt not commit adultery…thou shalt not eat pork.  I’m sorry, what was that last one?  Don’t eat pork?  Is that the Word of God, or is it the pigs trying to outsmart everybody—Jon Stewart

I had a roommate with Tourette’s syndrome, the disease where you shoot out profanity at random.  I loved this guy!  I’d have him answer the door every time a Jehovah’s Witness knocked.—Wally Wang

My kindergarten teacher hated me.  She used to find any excuse to pick on me, especially during nap time.  Like I’m the only guy who sleeps naked.—Brian Kiley

I lost 20 pounds.  Unfortunately, I was in England at the time — Daniel Lybra

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn’t park anywhere near the place—Steven Wright

A car hits a Jewish man.  The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?
The guy says, “I make a good living” — Henny Youngman

 I don’t get no respect.  I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment.  he raised the rent.—-Rodney Dangerfield

 If a parsley farmer goes bankrupt, can they garnish his wages?—-Bruce Baum

Driving hasn’t been the same since I installed fun-house rear view mirrors—-Steven Wright

 My mother is Jewish & my father is Catholic.  When I went to confession, I’d pray, “Bless me father for I have sinned.  And I think you know my lawyer, Mr. Cohen.”—-Bill Maher

 I wanted to be a feminist in high school, but my boyfriend wouldn’t let me—-Denis Munro Robb

 I’m afraid of planes–I don’t trust the oxygen mask.  The little orange cup—attached to that bag that’s full of nothing.  Maybe I’m cynical.  I don’t even think that it’s an oxygen mask.  I think it’s more to muffle the screams—-Rita Rudner

 Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden, my prescription ran out—-Steven Wright

I hate singles’ bars.  Guys come up to me and say, “Hey cupcake, can I buy you a drink?”  I say, “No, but I’ll take the three bucks”—Margaret Smith

I was dating this girl for 2 years…and right away the nagging starts….”I wanna know your name”—-Mike Binder

I went on a new 14 day diet, and all I lost was 14 days—-Sheila Kay

I was on the grapefruit diet.  For breakfast I ate 15 grapefruit.  Now when I go to the bathroom, I keep squirting myself in the eye—-Max Alexander

I’ve been feeling kind of lousy for the past few weeks.  I don’t want to go to the doctor because I just know what he’s gonna say….”Stop shooting heroin.”  What a broken record that guy is—-Drake Sather

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic here?  Do tall people burn slower?—-Warren Hutcherson

I once made love for an hour and five minutes.  It was on the day they pushed the clock ahead.—-Garry Shandling

Nicotine Anonymous is for people who want to stop smoking.  When you get a craving for a cigarette, you call another member.  he comes over and you get drunk together.—-Henny Youngman

Smoking cures weight problems….eventually.—-Steven Wright

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers.  We could call it On Anon Anon.—-Paula Poundstone

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing thru the leather straps.—-Emo philips

I have some very rare photographs.  One is of Houdini locking his keys in his car.  The other one is of Norman Rockwell beating a child.—-Steven Wright

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers hem.—-Joan Rivers

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  he said, “Didn’t you see that stop sign?”  I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”—-Steven Wright

Why is it when we talk to God, we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?—Lily Tomlin

My mother was 88 years old.  She never used glasses.  Drank right out of the bottle.—-Henny Youngman

I was listening to some rap music this afternoon.  Not that I had a choice, it was coming out of a Jeep four miles away.—-Nick Capallo

The emotional, psychological and mental evaluation testscore results on the Unabomber came back.  Monday he starts at the Post Office.—-David Brenner

Things could be much worse.  I could be one of my creditors.—-Henny Youngman

I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately….extremely abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.—Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with five.—-Steven Wright

This one girl I saw in Playboy was so amazing.  I don’t think she had silicone, I think she had helium.  She was so big, I couldn’t keep the magazine closed.—-Rita Rudner

 If you took Nyquil and No-Doz at the same time, would you dream you couldn’t sleep?—-Carrot Top

 My son has taken up meditation.  At least its better than sitting around doing nothing.—-Max Kauffman

 I never had a penny to my name, so I changed my name.—-Henny Youngman

When I die, I want to die peacefully like my grandfather did….not screaming like the people in his car did.—-Emo Philips

My grandmother was a really tough woman.  She buried 3 husbands, two of them were just napping.—-Rita Rudner

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating.  It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.—-Emo Philips

What a hotel!  The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase.—-Henny Youngman

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford clinic.—-Steven Wright

 In Las Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.—-Steven Wright

I don’t get no respect.  I joined Gamblers Anonymous.  They gave me 2-to-1 I wouldn’t make it.—-Rodnet Dangerfield

When I was crossing the border into Canada (where they don’t allow guns), they asked if I had any firearms with me.  I said,”What do you need?”.—Steven Wright

My grandfather is hard of hearing…he needs to read lips.  I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses those yellow highlighters.—-Brian Kiley

I’ll always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “Look out, a truck”—-Emo Philips

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap—-Rodney Dangerfield

I got into a fight one time with a reallybig guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”  I said, “You’ll be sorry.”  He said, “Oh yeah? Why?”  I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”—Emo Philips

The stewardess comes running out of the cockpit, and says “The pilot just passed out!  Can anyone fly the plane?”  Nobody else raised their hand, so I figured I’d take a shot at it.  it took me almost 4 hours just to get it off the runway.—-James Leemer

You ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?—-John Mendoza

I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.—-Steven Wright

Whenever I pickup a hitchhiker I say, “Put on your seat belt, I want to try something I saw in a cartoon.”—-Steven Wright

The difference between New York & L.A. drivers is that L.A. drivers tend to swerve all over the highway.  New York drivers rarely have this problem.  The body in the trunk makes a great stabilizer—-Brock Cohen

I had to stop driving my car for a while….the tires got dizzy—Steven Wright

I filled out an application that said, “In case of emergency notify….”  I wrote, “Doctor.”  What’s my mother going to do?—Steven Wright

I ran 3 miles today.  Finally I said, “OK lady, here’s your purse back.”—Emo Philips

A word to the wise isn’t necessary.  It’s the stupid ones who need the advice—-Bill Cosby

 I don’t get no respect.  A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.”  I went over.  Nobody was home—-Rodney Dangerfield

 I don’t get no respect.  I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown necktie—-Rodney Dangerfield

 I’ve got a wonderful doctor.  If you can’t afford the operation, for a few dollars less, he’ll touch up the x-rays—-Henny Youngman

 I once had a dog who really believed he was man’s best friend.  He kept borrowing money from me—-Gene Perret

I’m paranoid….on my stationary bike, I have a rear-view mirror—-Richard Lewis

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky.  But there wasn’t any gum under any of them—-Emo Philips

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit—-Steven Wright

During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement…and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over—-James  Leemer

When I was a child, I couldn’t wait for the first snowfall.  I would run to the door and yell, “Let me in! Let me in!”—-Emo Philips

I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight.  The people who live above me are furious—Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second—-Steven Wright

I’m officially middle-aged.  I don’t need drugs anymore.  I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast—-Jonathan Katz

I think animal testing is a terrible idea.  They get nervous and give the wrong answers—-Fry & Laurie

Last year I went fishing with Salvadore Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He caught every other fish—-Steven Wright

A man goes to a psychiatrist.  The doctor says, “You’re crazy.”  The man says, “I want another opinion!.”  The doctor says, “OK, you’re ugly too!.”—-Henny Youngman

At my gym they have free weights, so I took them—-Steve Smith

To please my wife I got in touch with my feminine side.  Now I’ve got a yeast infection—-Bob Zany

I work for myself, which is fun.  Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying—-Rita Rudner

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again—-Steven Wright

I went to a general store.  They wouldn’t let me buy anything specific—-Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night—-Steven Wright

I don’t have anything against facelifts, but I think it’s time to stop when you look permanently frightened—-Susan Norfleet

I’ve been sort of crabby lately.  It’s that time of month again—-the rent’s due….Margaret Smith

I grew up in  such a tough neighborhood, I remember laying in bed at night and looking up at the stars and thinking, “Where the hell’s the roof?”—-Rocky LaPorte

My wife thinks I’m too nosy.  At least that’s what she keeps writing in her diary—-Drake Sather

I thought I had PMS, but my doctor said, “I’ve got good news & bad news.  The good news is, you don’t have PMS.  The bad news is, you’re crazy.”—Rhonda Bates

My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love.  That doesn’t bother me.  It’s the hiding that seems so cruel—-Jonathan Katz

The Supreme Court has ruled they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington DC.  This wasn’t for any religious reasons.  They just couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin—-Jay Leno

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the 2nd best policy—George Carlin

I bought some land.  It was kind of cheap.  It was on someone else’s property—-Steven Wright

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?—-Steven Wright

I hate singles’ bars.  Guys come up to me and say, “Hey cupcake, can I buy you a drink?”  I say, “No, but I’ll take the five bucks”—Margaret Smith

I was dating this girl for 2 years…and right away the nagging starts….”I wanna know your name”—-Mike Binder

I went on a new 14 day diet, and all I lost was 14 days—-Sheila Kay

I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died—-Steven Wright

My license plate says PMS.  Nobody cuts me off—-Wendy Liebman

My husband says I feed him like he’s a god….every meal is a burnt offering—-Rhonda Hansome

My friend Larry’s in jail now.  he got 25 years for something he didn’t do….he didn’t run fast enough—-Damon Wayans

I was on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding.  That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters—-Susie Loucks

I don’t get no respect.  When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother—-Rodney Dangerfield

People are giving birth underwater now.  They say its less traumatic for the baby because it’s in water.  But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool—  Elayne Boosler

I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed-reading accident.  I hit a bookmark—-Steven Wright

I have a new book coming out.  It’s one of those self help deals called “How to get along with everybody”.  I wrote it with this other jerk—-Steve Martin

I broke up with my girlfriend.  She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that—-Garry Shandling

Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put “DOCTOR.”
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street…with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
16. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There’s a fine line between cuddling and…holding someone down so they can’t get away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
19. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
24. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.